Chemo woes ........

Chemo Blues

AAARRRGGGH!   The first 24 – 48 hours after my chemo my mood swings are crazy … I would say hormones, but who knows – with all the chemicals of chemo flowing through my body, I am surprised I am not trying to climb the nearest tall building with a can of crazy/silly string  --------  wearing my feetie pjs!  OMG

And worse than the chemo blues is cancer results blues. I like to find out everything first – but then again I need someone with me because there is no way I can take it all in and remember it all. So usually Kevin is hearing things for the first time too.

When news is good it is beyond wonderful --- when I tell my family & close friends I can literally see their shoulders lift and the smiles it brings to them!!   When the news is bad it hurts me twice, once when I am afraid for myself and then again when I have to tell others … this time their shoulders droop and sometimes they cry … then I comfort them & try to back up and sugarcoat the news and try to make it seem not so bad.

I never did like rollercoasters. The ups and downs & jerking stops and goes. I am a more a tilt-a-whirl girl. I like rides that grab my tummy & tickle me and make my laugh and then hearing who ever is riding with my laugh is all the better. Yes, I am dizzy when I get off this ride and have to sit for a minute, but we are sill laughing.

I guess that is how I want my life to be. Grab me my the belly in a good tickle way … and leave my laughing, breathless, and dizzy.  & always wanting more!

    Just Post Chemo ... 

Chemo Blues!

Attitude of Gratitude -- even with cancer

     I realize that the worse I feel, the worse I treat those around me. I could say,"well, whatever, I have cancer & they should expect me to be mean & cranky at times." But this is not how I want to treat the ones I truly love the most - the ones that help me so much and give me the strength to get through these hard days.

    I know I will not be perfect on this, but I am going to vow to do my best -- to have an attitude of gratitude more often.

I will try to notice things each day that make me smile and fill my heart with gratitude:

• The times Kevin gets up in the middle of the night to help me out of bed to use the restroom, or the many times he recovers me with blankets that I have kicked on the floor...the very ones he covered me with just a few hours before
• The love that shows in Kevin's eyes -- when anyone else would be so frustrated
• Waking up and hearing Dan say my name when he is praying in the morning - asking God to let me have a better day
• Hearing Stephanie say she loves me every time she calls
• Cori making me laugh at everything and anything - even when I am in the middle of crying
• My mom - for just being here and trying to understand so hard all that I am going through
• All of the get well cards & letters of encouragement I receive in the snail-mail - I can not even tell you how much this brightens everyone's day in our home to see these & read them together! -- especially when lately it seems we get more medical bills than anything else!
• And for my face book family & friends that always inspire, encourage, and send loves, hugs, and pokes ....

With my vow of an attitude of gratitude I plan to notice -- and also say thank you, right out loud!

THANK YOU!

Can you see the holiness in those things you take for granted-a paved road or a washing machine? If you concentrate on finding what is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul. Rabbi Harold Kushner

I don't know how to die .... :/

I know South Park is a little crude ... but this episode makes me laugh when I think about dying -- ok -- I know it sounds warped, but still. 

This is why I can't die yet, I don't know how.   ;)

*Eric Cartman thinks he is dead --
http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s09e06-the-death-of-eric-cartman

New beginnings ...

So begins a new day & a new blog ... and almost a new year.

So many decisions to make ... time to follow my own heart & hope the ones I love most will understand!

"when all else fails ... dance to the music in your own heart!"